somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.