I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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