hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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