Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
