Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
