Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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