I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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