The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
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I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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