you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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