her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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