all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
