Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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