I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
