Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
