Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
