If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
