I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
