did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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