What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think I am morally bankrupt
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
