If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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