Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
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Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
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he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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