just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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