Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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