Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
