The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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