im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
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I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
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Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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