Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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