i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My vagina just clenched in fear
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
