She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
