Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
