I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
