We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
