You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
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Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
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I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.