hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude