Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.