every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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