i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
