This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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