Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
