Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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