How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
