there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
