I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
