sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
