I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
