I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
