It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
