my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
