You're my little dorito
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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