I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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