no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
