Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
