If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize