my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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