I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
