Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
