We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
